We have all heard the phrase "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." If only it was that easy.
In every theatrical production, there is at least one redeeming quality. I really do believe that. Perhaps it was a particular performance, the direction, the set, or maybe it was the fact that the show was only two hours long.
In the case of Legends!, which opened on Thursday night at the Royal Alexandra Theatre in Toronto, there are very few, if any, positive things about this play.
It centres on the feuding relationship between two former movie stars, Sylvia Glenn and Leatrice Monsee. They are well past there prime, when a young theatre producer approaches them about starring in a new play on Broadway. A meeting is arranged at an apartment of a friend of Glenn's, and when the producer runs late, Sylvia and Leatrice are left together for too long, and their old bitter feud resurfaces. A stripper arrives to entertain at what was suppose to be a wedding shower, the two starlets eat some "hash" brownies and proceed to get high, and finally, the producer, Martin Klemmer, arrives and eats some of the special brownies as well. They both agree to do the show, even though now it will open Off-Broadway with the hope of transfering to a larger theatre on Broadway later. They both realize this might be their last chance to regain their "legendary" status and dig themselves out of their respective financial difficulties.
On paper, this show had some appeal. But that is where it ends - on paper.
There are so many things that are fundamentally awful about this show, that I'm at a loss to decide where I should begin.
Legends was written by James Kirkwood, who it should be noted, wrote the book to one of the most successful musicals of all time, A Chorus Line. Things obviously went downhill for him after that huge success. A majority of the blame can rest with Kirkwood, who has crafted together not only characters who really have no attractive or even sensible qualities about them, but has put words and dialogue together that is cheesy, cliche ridden, and frankly, not funny.
John Bowab, who is credited with the direction of the play, has to accept blame as well. He has let his two stars parade themselves around on stage with no real drive or motivation or to even come close to understanding who their characters are. He has allowed them to break down the 4th wall (the audience) and play directly to us, which simply doesn't work.
Glancing through the program, you read that Joan Collins, who plays Sylvia Glenn, has had an extensive career in theatre, and so it's hard to understand why she is this bad, and if she truly is this bad, why she continues to be cast. Her performance is wooden, charmless, and boring to watch.
Linda Evans as Leatrice Monsee doesn't fair any better, but to her credit, this is her theatrical debut. Her performance is awkward, and it appears as though her acting skills are better served on the small screen so that she can get any number of takes to make it passable, which she doesn't have the luxury of doing on stage.
The one (or should I say four) qualities that made the 2 hour running time bearable is the supporting cast, led by Joe Farrell as producer Martin Klemmer. He is funny and frenzied as he tries to reel these two stars into his grasp, and his physical comedy timing is perfect. Tonye Patano is also strong as Aretha, and cameos by Will Holman as the stripper Boom-Boom Johnson and Ethan Matthews as the policeman are a nice change from the drudgery of the scenes between Collins and Evans.
This production of Legends! will go down as an atrocious piece of theatre, and sadly, this is only the beginning. The show is heading out on the road for an 18 city North American tour, with the aim of landing on Broadway late next year. Hopefully the producers of the play will realize that the show doesn't need more work, it needs to be never seen again. Why anyone thought reviving this piece was a good idea is beyond me, as it flopped during it's premiere starring Carol Channing and Mary Martin back in the 1980's, and Kirkwood passed away a few years later, so no changes could be made at this stage of the game.
Referring to the process that producers go through raising money and finding stars for their productions, Joan Collins utters in the middle of the second act, "No one ever says let's put on a steaming turd", but in this case, I think they did, and guess what they got? A steaming turd.
Legends!
By James Kirkwood
Starring Joan Collins and Linda Evans
Now playing at the Royal Alexandra Theatre, Toronto
For show information, click here.
* (out of five)
